Law of Success: The Untold Secrets

Law of Success:  The Untold Secrets

Archive for the Category 'Blocks to Success'

What Change Are You Truly Hungry For?

Monday, February 11th, 2019

A dear friend got very intrigued about opening a frozen yogurt shop in her small town. She did the research, got her husband on board, looked for locations, and choked just before she made the complete investment in this new business, and turned to her tried and true connection, her animal friends. Her husband dreams of being a semi-truck driver because he wants the freedom from supporting the family financially. He wants to get on the road and travel. Be away from bosses, and work obligations. Neither has reached the point where they are so hungry for happiness and success that they have found a way to change.

Two of my neighbors really want to be svelte and gorgeous. They struggle with their weight and their diet. One neighbor has been in a relationship that has been on again, off again during the whole time I known her. She describes that relationship as both very supportive and very abusive. She too threw herself into the relationship with her wonderful dog, until that dog passed away. Her new dog has challenged her to the max.

My son broke up with his girlfriend in December, and she immediately started dating a male friend with whom she had been dancing in a play. In January, he got laid off by the tech company in which he had invested 60 – 80 hours weeks. He was so tired and discouraged that he needed nine months to recover physically, before he could look for a new job and a new relationship. During that time, he was able to get clear. He wanted to move from the very small town in Vermont, be in a larger place where he would have opportunities to meet new friends and new work opportunities and not see his ex-girlfriends every time he went downtown.

He was exceedingly hungry for change. It came out of the adversity of his life. It made him hungry for happiness. Hungry for a different kind of success.

It took time. He took the time to focus on his food, and lose weight. He began to change his image. Imagine a 30-something male taking time to develop a hairstyle, skin regimens, and go through his wardrobe to really look his best. It was so fun to watch. And grueling for him. There was no guarantee any of it would pay off during his nine-months of not knowing what he would do next.

He now lives in Manhattan, across the street from where he works, on a less trafficked street where there is not as much noise. That’s important because he is a one of those people who has sleep issues. He’s got a job that he got easily. It came out of his hunger for change, and taking inspired actions. His hunger for success that wouldn’t hurt him and his body propelled him into living in a new way, and it has been amazing to watch.

I too am very hungry for change. I got very sick during the last five months. Lost my autonomy. My daughter had to come live with me, drive me everywhere, do grocery shopping, cook for me, do my laundry. And that is hard on our relationship. It scared me deeply. My huge hunger for my autonomy has propelled me to take longer and longer walks to build up my strength, and climb stairs. It has made me hungry to fix my own meals in the morning, which might be gluten free toast and eggs. It has made me hungry to really change my life core deep pattern that I have been carrying.

I was reading my September journal recently, and was blown away to see an entry where I was just so angry with so many things, and my guidance (to whom I was writing) said “well, you may just need to really experience being a victim, to really get this.” What?

My coach who has been working with me to help overcome life-long patterns and beliefs helped me identify that my core life pattern has been based on being a victim to circumstances, especially circumstances that I was born into. Circumstances that create survival and contracting. In January, my coach was asking me a really hard question. “Why are you not being able to drop this victim identification? You have cleaned up so many patterns, what is it that is still stuck?”

Grappling with that question really helped me understand how I got into this current health situation. I am a super-sensitive person. That gives me some wonderful strengths. It also makes me vulnerable to what other people think of me. Because of this I have had some really challenging times doing what is in my own best interests, and instead try to do what is expected of me. Here where I live, and with my pet-sitting clients that became particularly hard in October, when a client wanted to leave her brain-damaged husband in my care. I was able to state my concerns, but she left without getting them resolved. The result was that I needed to intervene with his family and then I got ill as a result. I was supersensitive, tried to be too nice, and didn’t take care of myself. So I created a circumstance where I got to live out once again being a victim to circumstance and learned the huge consequence to my health.

Now; from a much bigger (dragon’s eye view) perspective; I see that I got myself into a situation where I really became hungry enough to burst out of this major life identification, and I chose to get ill so that I could build the hunger deep enough to propel me past the blocks, past the reluctance to change that status quo, past all the gobbledygook that my small self throws out, and past all the resistance that would come up when I tried to change this core life issue.

Simultaneously that Universe gave me the opportunity to understand better how I got into this life-long pattern of being on the Victim, Perpetrator, Rescuer platform, where most of humanity hangs out. And how this Highly Sensitive Person Syndrome (surviving when the world overwhelms you) and my Active Alert Temperament are all related and have set up my body for this autoimmune condition I have been experiencing once again. I wrote a blog entry in 2016 called Resolve where I publicly resolve to change this core pattern and look at these temperament characteristics. That was just as I was beginning work with my coach. Finding that blog entry is another sign. Looking for Signs from the Universe is so important. Thank heavens I can finally have some larger perspective.

Because I was so hungry and driven to be able to answer my coach’s questions, I serendipitously ran across the book “The Deepest Well: Healing The Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity.” I needed to understand why I was having so much trouble. I like knowing. That birthed my last Post called Success and Acute Childhood Adversity.”

Knowing this research about Acute Childhood Trauma is a huge missing piece about the human condition and about my human and body condition. In the reviews on Amazon, there were a number of people who couldn’t read or listen to the book because the research did not make them hopeful, nor was there a lot of practical guidance about coping. But in the one of the five star reviews, writer and counselor Lucille Zimmerman who has done her own five years of research with this group wrote “Trauma can be the springboard that catapults people into higher and better ways of functioning than before. In spite of the pain and suffering, the trauma actually ends up giving some people an advantage in life.”

It actually can give you the huge hunger to change your life. When you are hungry to change, you can go past the barriers of self-doubt, and old ways of seeing and believing. It can give you the huge motivation to go beyond your deepest resistance.

It took me three years to get hungry enough to change my diet in a major way. I dropped sugar and alcohol, and other inflammation producing foods like dairy. And it has been pretty easy to stay on that plan, because the hunger for health and wellness was way bigger than the value of what I would get by having a piece of strawberry shortcake.

What is it that you are really hungry for? Hunger gives you a Burning Desire. Hunger gives you a Burning Goal. Your own largest self is calling you. It’s telling you what you are ready to do next. Looking for success for most of us is really looking for ways to be happy, and ways to step into our strengths and our best and largest ways of contributing. I am here to tell you that your own guidance and intuition is always there supporting you to find your way into your larger growth.

Sometimes we can’t hear the message, because our vision of ourselves has shrunk. And that might be a reason to reach out to someone like a coach who can hold the larger vision of you, help you see the bigger picture, and help you translate your hunger into an inspired action plan. We’ll talk about that in an upcoming blog. For today, you can ask the question of yourself, what is it that I am really hungry for?

Am I hungry for hope, am I hungry for the job of my dreams, and am I hungry for connection to deal with this immense loneliness that I feel inside? Am I hungry to have financial success because I am drowning in debt? Am I hungry to have the freedom to live my life the way I want, and it’s hard to be a parent, or have a partner or a family that I am having to support? Am I hungry to be healthy because I have chronic conditions like diabetes, asthma, chronic fatigue syndrome, heart conditions or something that is really debilitating my ability to enjoy my life? Am I hungry to express my creativity through art, painting, singing, sculpture, dancing, pottery, or some other way such as writing?

We are in times of change. Our hunger can tell us the direction of the change we are moving in. It can give us the powerful intention and motivation to change and be a success.

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Success is Impacted by Adverse Childhood Experiences

Tuesday, January 29th, 2019

Donna had lost over 100 pounds two years ago but in the past six months she had put weight on again.  Dr. Felitti was concerned. Donna was 53 and had debilitating diabetes.  Here she was right back where she started.  While he was rattling off questions, he misspoke and instead of asking “how old were you when you became sexually active, he asked “How much did you weigh when you first became sexually active?” She answered forty pounds. “It was when I was four years old with my father.”

Why write to you about such a research program on this law of success blog? Because over the years, what I have found is that subconscious beliefs and patterns get in the way of success. Here is documented research that shows almost a causal relationship between childhood abuse and severe health challenges. How might this affect success behaviors? So lets hear more.

Patty had gone from 408 pounds to 132 pounds in fifty-one weeks.  What was so jaw dropping about these two people is that they dropped out of their weight loss program just as they were reaching their ideal weights. Patty had suddenly gained thirty eight pounds.  Her explanation was that she was sleep-eating, waking up to pots and dishes that were dirty that she could not remember utilizing. Why now? was Dr. Felitii question. An older work colleague was hitting on her.  “Patty had a lengthy history of incest at the hands of her grandfather starting when she was ten years old. This was when she had begun to struggle with her weight.” (Page 34).

After 186 patients, Dr. Felitti asked five other colleagues to screen their next hundred weight patients for a history of abuse.  They all turned up the same results; obese patients had some history of abuse.  It was this insight that led to a landmark research study by two physicians Dr. Vincent Felitti and Dr. Robert Anda called the “Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE).  It’s purpose was to identify:

  1. The relationship between exposure to abuse and/or household dysfunction in childhood and adult health-risk behavior (alcoholism, smoking, severe obesity), and
  2. The relationship between exposure to abuse and/or household dysfunction in childhood and disease.

Between 1995 and 1997 these two doctors asked 26,000 Kaiser health-plan members in San Francisco to participate where adults were getting comprehensive medical evaluations that contained the information they were looking for.  An astounding 17,421 of these Kaiser health-plan members agreed to participate by completing a questionnaire.

Based on the prevalence of adversities they had seen in the obesity program, the two doctors sorted their definitions of abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction into ten specific categories of ACE’s” (adverse childhood experiences(p. 36).  They wanted to know the patient’s level of exposure before the age of 18.

  1. Emotional abuse
  2. Physical abuse
  3. Sexual abuse
  4. Physical neglect
  5. Emotional neglect
  6. Substance abuse in the household (e.g., living with an alcoholic  or a person with a substance-abuse problem)
  7. Mental illness in the household (e.g. living with someone who suffered from depression or mental illness or who had attempted suicide)
  8. Mother treated violently
  9. Divorce or parental separation
  10. Criminal behavior in household (e.g., a household member going to prison.      (p. 37)

Their findings from this huge group of people showed astonishing results.

  • 67% of the their subjects had at least one category of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs, p, 37).
  • 12.6 % had four or more categories of ACEs (adverse childhood experiences). (p. 37)
  • Having an ACE score of two or more doubles someone’s likelihood of developing an auto immune disease. (P. 41)
  • The higher a person’s ACEs (adverse childhood experience) score, the greater the risk to his or health.
    • a) A person with four or more ACEs was twice as likely to develop heart disease and cancer.
    • b) A person with four or more ACEs was three and a half times as likely to develop chronic obstructive pulmonary disease as a person with zero ACEs (adverse childhood experiences)(p. 41)

What was also mind-blowing was who this population was.  It was conducted in solidly middle-class San Diego.  70% of the people answering this questionnaire were Caucasion and 70 % of the group were college educated, and these patients of Kaiser had great health care!  These are not people you would expect to have childhood abuse. (p. 38)

If a person who answered these questions is exposed to adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and avoids carefully smoking, drinking, physical inactivity, and obesity he or she can protect themselves from about 50 percent of the health risks. This is one of the most significant statistics of the study. No matter how clean they keep their health habits, they still have a 50 % increased health risk. These people are still much more likely to develop heart or liver disease. (p. 40) If that increase is that significant in heart disease, and diabetes, asthma or auto immune diseases which shows up in the body, imagine what this does to your self esteem, your confidence in yourself, and whether or not you are successful in your life.

Patty died at the age of 42 of pulmonary fibrosis, (an autoimmune disease). She put on weight and would lose it, eventually going through bariatric surgery.  Patty didn’t smoke nor had she been exposed to known toxins like asbestos.

The  author of this astonishing book called The Deepest Well, Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity is Nadine Burke Harris, M. D. This pediatrician was given her dream job of creating a clinic in San Francisco’s Bayview Hunter’s Point neighborhood areas where there had only been one pediatrician and to address the health disparities of the city. In this neighborhood the leading cause of death was violence. It was primarily an African American neighborhood, and she found that she was constantly trying to understand why her young patients  had asthma, or were in the smallest growth percentile.  But she didn’t find out about ACE’s  until 2008. “Everyday I witnessed tiny patients dealing with overwhelming trauma and stress and as a human being I was brought to my knees. As a doctor I got off those knees and began asking questions.”  She wrote this book.  She believes that ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) are at the root of a public health crisis in America and is also at the root of a public education crisis as well. I have written on this blog about my health challenges, and thought of writing a book called “Wellness, no matter what!”

No matter where you live or what group of people you are a  part of (Black, White, Immigrant, Native American, that there are bears that are populating the woods.  Poverty, Violence, Divorce, Addiction, Parental Illness, Depression are just a few. This leads to toxic stress which hurts body, soul and beliefs in self. How do we heal this toxic stress which she found in her research in her clinic, that led to a higher risk for

  • depression and anxiety
  • asthma
  • autoimmune diseases
  • food allergies
  • cardiac disease
  • chronic obstructive pulmonary disease
  • migraines
  • fibromyalgia
  • reflux disease
  • chronic bronchitis
  • stomach ulcers
  • learning problems  (ADHD )
  • stress management
  • self regulation

In her Appendix she gives the 10 part question that allows you to figure out your Adverse Childhood Experiences Score.  You can find out yourself what your own Adverse Childhood Score is by going to take the ACE QUIZ yourself at https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean.

More needs to be written about this.  But for some of you who have not felt successful, no matter how much you have gone for the American dream, or self initiated, I found Dr. Burke’s book very riveting. This work gives us a glimpse into why we have blocks to success, or may not be able to be the biggest self we wish to be, or why we forget, or why we have challenging relationships, or why we may not be able to mobilize ourselves into taking the steps forward necessary for the laws of success.

 

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Do You Stop Success with “I Can’t Because” Thinking?

Sunday, August 25th, 2013

Do you stop Success with “I Can’t Because” Thinking?

 

Do you stop success with “I can’t because” thinking? I have. Repeatedly. I watch other people stop their success because the say “I can’t.”

I can’t because I am too busy.
I can’t because I am too tired.
I can’t because I don’t have enough time.
I can’t because I don’t have enough money.
I can’t because I don’t have the opportunities of others.
I can’t because I am afraid people won’t like me.
I can’t because I will be too visible.
I can’t because I don’t have the skills.
I can’t because I don’t know how.
I can’t because I don’t have the talent.
I can’t because I don’t have the contacts necessary
I can’t because I don’t know how to “sell.”
I can’t because I am a professional.
I can’t because I don’t have enough education.
I can’t because I don’t have organizational skills.
I can’t because I don’t know how to start and run a business.
I can’t because I don’t have the start up costs.
I can’t because I don’t have enough confidence.
I can’t because I don’t trust myself.
I can’t because I don’t trust the Universe to provide with opportunity, people, and anything else I need.
I can’t because I don’t have enough experience.
I can’t because I am not old enough.
I can’t because I am too old.
Shall I go on?

When you utter the words “I can’t.” you absolutely shut the door to success. Success is now impossibility. There is no way forward from the position of I can’t.

I have seen people I love and respect absolutely stop progress forward with that sentence, which they believe wholeheartedly. When you believe it that fundamentally, you never ask another question, you never move anywhere. Essentially you have placed your feet in concrete and it has dried, anchoring you where you are.

Sometimes you don’t say it to your self, or to others, but it is implied in your behavior. This came home to me recently. A self improvement program that I was listening to suggested I be very specific about what I wanted money for. Then it asked me to figure how much money I needed.

I spent 65 years having written out goals and but never attaching a dollar figure to it. When I did, I suddenly said, that is doable. I know people in my life who make that amount of money. I can too. I wanted to visit my children 3 times a year and pay all my own costs for hotel, flights, taxies and meals. I wanted to visit family and friends that I care about without worrying about fund.

Within one month, I made travel plans to visit friends in Oregon, and my daughter begged me repeatedly to come visit her. When I bought the tickets, I felt like a million bucks. And this was in a month when I had a huge unexpected cost, I was about to retreat into “I can’t make it through this month because I don’t have enough money”

Suddenly I said to myself. “Same old thinking. What if? What if I decided to say instead, “how can I receive more money?”

Within two days I had four jobs that gave me more expendable income than I had had the prior couple of months. Before I received those jobs, I made the decision to visit a friend about five hours south of me. I talked to her, looked up the train fare, and got a deal round trip for half price. I purchased the tickets, and didn’t worry. Then the jobs came in.

Then my daughter begged me to come, and I opened to the possibility of planning a trip to see her. She wanted me to come for a week!

In my prior mindset, I thought of myself on a restricted income which did not allow me the freedom to plan a vacation or a visit to my children unless special circumstances happened. It was a much more subtle version of “I can’t.” I am astounded to look back at this month which I thought was originally severely restricted in funds, and see that I have met all my needs, and had more than enough surplus. I had the money to buy the tickets at times when costs were significantly lower. I had more than enough money to hostess my brother and sister-in-law when they came for a visit earlier this week.

I was busier than I have been in a long time. I got healthier, my energy was enhanced, and I contributed more to my community. Today I am about to leave on that trip to see friends tomorrow and I have a presentation to make tonight. Lots to do. A great opportunity to say “I can’t write this blog entry because I don’t have enough time. But the truth is that writing enriches me. So I chose to write.

There’s a secret to turning this “I can’t” around. You begin to ask “I wonder” instead.

We are living in a powerful time. It is intense. It is fast paced. It is challenging. But it holds immense ripeness for us to make internals shifts of our thinking. We are being called to rise to our very best, and there is support for us to make these transformations. You definitely won’t do it, if you say “I can’t.”

I wonder how I can rise to my best in this really uncomfortable situation? I’d really like to get revenge for being treated with such disrespect. What other options might there be? I wonder how I could use my anger to make forward action with wisdom?

Reality completely shifts in that moment. You suddenly have access to a much broader field of possibilities. Inspiration will come to you. Angels will brush your thought.

You don’t need to process long and hard, all you need to do is ask “I wonder how I can do this differently?” I guarantee the Universe will meet you and support you if you ask for guidance and support.

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